The dictatorship of Dixville Notch

Well, we're just a couple days now from the incredibly compressed primary season of 2008. Votes get cast on Thursday and the nominations will be wrapped by the end of February and before any sane people even start paying attention to who'll be the next president. (My whole sane state of Washington won't even bother until much too late.)

The candidates themselves will have nothing to do for eight months or so other than courting big money and polishing their attack ads, neither of which is something I want my next president spending that much time on. We either need to lock them up in cells for the next few months or move the national vote to March (which, unfortunately, seems more likely.)

Another cycle or two, and they'll have it down to something I predicted years ago -- the dictatorship of Dixville Notch.

That's the tiny New Hampshire village where a handful of people vie to be the first to vote, and release those votes, on primary night. Voting first, of course, gives the Granite State more clout than it deserves, and you have to think Dixville has the most clout at all.

So compress things a little more, and I see it something like this:

Jan. 1, 12:01 a.m. -- On New Hampshire's primary day, Dixville release its votes even as the ball drops in Time Square. Surprise! Mayor Jenna Bush, a recent emigre to the burg, is the clear winner.

6:01 a.m. -- As most New Hampshirites go the the polls, CBS and NBC based on Dixville data declare the statewide race for mayor Jenna.

7:23 a.m. -- Iowa's coffee caucuses swing Bush's way after Katie Couric announces a 'nationwide tide' in her favor. The 18 other Republicans in the primary all concede the nationwide race.

12:01 p.m. -- Voters head to the polls in 21 other states as 'Super Noontime' kicks in. With Jenna a lock, most grab a Democratic ballot and write her in as well.

1:43 p.m. -- ABC and Fox, stung by their delayed call on New Hampshire, declare the nationwide race for Jenna.

2:12 p.m. -- With 0.00071% of votes cast, Democrat Lyndsay Lohan becomes the first candidate from her party to concede, saying "OK, I'll do spring break instead." By 2:30, all Democrats but Dick Gephardt have declared "What's the point?" And he never wins anything.

Thus by the end of primary day one, the election will be wrapped up. It'll be over before most Americans have a day. We'll be like Pakistan without the assassinations.

Which doesn't mean candidates will stop courting the key voters. Four years later, all 37 Dixville residents will have passed Bill Gates on the list of wealthiest Americans.